The real reason I want to go late-FEAR.
I’ve been joking and making light of the fact that I want to go late with baby #3 for all kinds of reasons, but there’s a deeper, more serious reason, fear. Ever since I conceived this baby, I kept thinking something would go wrong. Now, here I am with a few hours left of what was supposed to be my due date still scared something is going to go horribly wrong. Sure, there’s the whole we just moved four weeks ago, the contractors just left Saturday, and the hubbs and I just stopped taking up residence in the baby’s room. And, yes, I’d love to be more settled, and have a few things ready for baby, but the way I’m feeling goes much deeper than that. I do have to mention that right before I got pregnant, I was recovering from a severe bout with post-partum depression and anxiety where fear’s ugly head was totally taking over my world. So, it might be reasonable to say that it simply carried over to the way I feel now. Even then, I’ve been there, done that with labor and delivery twice, the whole NICU thing, a healthy baby coming home as normal, and the dark days of post-partum depression. So, you’d think I’d be mentally prepared for just about anything, but right now, I’m not. I woke up last night to pee for the third time, (oh joy!), felt a lot of cramping, and got anxiety thinking I might be getting some early labor pains. It turns out it wasn’t, but the point is I was totally scared. I mean, really?! I’ve been praying for clarity as to why I feel this way, and what I need to do to let it go, but here I am still trying to figure it out as I inch beyond my due date to the inevitable arrival of this little one. Maybe I don’t need to figure it out. Maybe I just need to let go. Trust myself, trust God, and my body to be ready to handle whatever happens during labor and delivery and post-partum recovery while simply praying for the best. For now, that seems like the best I can do, and so I will.
Here’s to learning to let go, and trust Love’s hand.