After 3 months of successfully breastfeeding Sonia, it has sadly come to an abrupt end. It's been one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride over the past week as Sonia's demand was far exceeding my supply. And, finally the supply went away. I tried everything I could to get my body to keep up, but nothing I did made a difference. It just kept dwindling away until I had nothing left to give. Devastating! I feel so frustrated with myself and my body, and so upset that it ended this way.
No one tells you how incredibly challenging and stressful breastfeeding your baby can be. But no one can even come close to describing how absolutely beautiful and precious it is when it works. This is my second full day without nursing Sonia at all, and I miss it so bad that it hurts! I feel heartbroken. It's a little hard for me to write this now as tears are streaming down my face. I miss looking down and seeing her sweet little face latched on to my breast. I miss the deep closeness and peace I felt whenever we nursed. Even when her big brothers were mauling her as she ate! After 2 miserably failed attempts at breastfeeding my boys, I finally found that elusive feeling of baby joy. A lot of that joy came from successfully breastfeeding my baby girl. Now that's gone, and there's a big void that is leaving me filled with sadness.
Someone reminded me today to see the good in this situation. How awesome is it I was actually able to successfully breastfeed Sonia 3 months longer than I ever have before. And, even if this is my last baby, I'll always have that beautiful experience with my baby girl to look back on with deep feelings of love and appreciation. Trusting that I gave it my best, and remembering my best is always good enough. Priceless gifts of the heart that will carry on forever. For this, I am grateful.
Here's to looking upon every experience of our lives with love in our eyes and peace in our hearts.
Big Thank You to Elizabeth Hilkert of Feather and Light Photography for capturing this precious breastfeeding moment with Sonia. I'll always have this to look back on and remember how beautiful it was.